So close, so far
by TsukyAkari
Summary: Charlotte can t help but wonder what is the nature of her feelings for Yami.


_**So close, so far**_

**A Black Clover fanfiction**

From the distance, she stared at him_. _His disheveled hair, his messy clothes, his uncared for facial hair, the smoke coming out of his cigarette and his naughty comments about everything that crossed his mind… she couldn't think of anything about him that wasn't obnoxious. Yet, she couldn't think of him any other way either. It suited him, really. For all revolting features that revolved around his persona, it seemed everyone came to peace to the way he was. Everyone…except for her: everybody else had in fact got used to Yami and his reckless being but it troubled her, bothered her. Nobody cared about his unkempt appearance, but she couldn't help but notice how his messy clothes clung perfectly to his well-built figure. His comments -sarcastic, full of bluntness, merely out of place or all of the options-, at times, seemed rather subtly clever. Most of the times he only annoyed people and his cunning went unnoticed, but she would catch glimpses, from time to time, of his wit.

She didn't want to, but she was paying attention. About him. She was aware of the off-putting characteristics in him but, as much as she tried, she couldn't stop the beating of her heart when it came to the Black Bulls captain. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but she didn't know how she felt about her own feelings. Hate was much too strong of a word, but contempt came close. Contempt for herself. She couldn't stop berating on herself for her own weakness: falling in love with the wildest man around certainly didn't go hand in hand with décor, especially not after fighting so hard to prevent the inevitable fate of marriage and bearing of children a noblewoman of her rank was expected to endure. Getting married and becoming a mother had never crossed her mind and the single thought horrified her more than death itself, and, to her own credit, that fact didn't change after admitting to herself she had indeed fallen for Yami Sukehiro. But nevertheless, there she was, longing for a man that could never be hers: almost an outlaw, foreigner at that, the most reckless and uncouth human being she had ever come across with and someone who certainly couldn't care any less about romantic involvement. It corroded her, thinking how bad her situation was and how helpless she felt at her own feelings for him. What was it about him that she couldn't seem to get enough of?

To some degree, she was thankful it was him, and not somebody else, she had fallen for. She blamed her feelings on her curse. It was only because he had showed up first when her power got out of control that he had stolen her heart: had she been saved by anybody else, she would have never fallen for Yami. But loving someone she could never have prevented her from having a chance of betraying herself and leaving everything else behind all in the name of love. She wondered that, if she was to ever lose all interest in the foreigner, the curse would come back and her powers would get out of control again. If it was the case, her infatuation with him was another way of protecting herself and everybody around. It was for the best, she would think, the curse had made the mighty Charlotte Roselei fall in love with a man like Yami Sukehiro. But, much to her own regret, she would wonder in the back of her head if she had developed feelings for the man on her own.

Was she really in love? She herself couldn't tell. In fact, she would long for him. It was only natural for a woman to feel such attraction to a definitely unapologetic, too-bad-for-your-own-good guy that transpired such a dangerous yet powerful vibe off him. Handsome and sexy most definitely he was, but his attitude left much to be desired. Yet she seemed to enjoy his banter: when it came to her, he was not disrespectful or plainly raw or crude as with some others, but it was rather a playful teasing. As Charlotte suspected there was some wit in his talking, she wanted their conversations to last longer but she was conscious how notorious a close acquaintance of them would be, how hard to keep with appearances and her own pretenses would be. Much to her own shame, Charlotte thought often of them both in passionate intercourse. It made her blush and she would reprimand herself for such inappropriate desires. But it became worst at night, not because her imagination would run wilder. It was, in fact, the opposite and it made her feel even worse than her fantasies did. Her dreams were full of scenarios in which Yami would embrace her lovingly into his arms or he would softly caress her blond locks or he would plant soft kisses in the tip of her nose and in her forehead. For her, it was worse than getting nightmares and it tormented her because her own expectations had started to wear down on her: carnal desires she could understand as they were natural and somehow went along with what he represented -at least to her-, but her dreams were solid proof of how delusional she was not only for longing for a man most certainly could never be hers but also for creating an image of him that certainly didn't and would never exist. She wanted to scream and to run away, but she couldn't think of a single way to run away from her own mind.

It was such the battle raging inside her whenever she looked at him from afar. But ever the unfazed, no one would have imagined such thoughts prowled inside her head. She had fought really hard to conceal her feelings to others. Charlotte had tried to fool herself, to convince herself otherwise about him, but to no use. She wondered if there was anything about her that gave the truth away to him. Or to anyone else. Several nights the Blue Rose captain had spent wide awake dreading the thought of someone finding out: everything she had fought so hard for would automatically crumb away, all her battles would inevitably be invalidated: the toughest woman had given in to the machoest dude around; the ever the stoic warrior, the unreachable woman who bowed to no man had lost herself to no other than the Black Bulls captain. Her subordinates were aware of her feelings and supported her, but other captains –her own family- would not be as supportive. In a man´s world, Yami himself represented everything she went against. It was against her own judgment to love such a man.

As Yami, oblivious to his effect in her, was pestering his subordinates with absurd orders while also fueling his childish rivalry with the Green Mantis captain, Charlotte wondered if she wanted or feared _him _finding out. She was fretting over everyone else realizing the nature of her feelings for the man, which was bad enough since all possible reactions were worst case scenarios. But she couldn't make out whether it would put her at ease if Yami became aware of her feelings or it would fill her with dread. If he was to ever find out, he would be upfront about how he felt about her. He longing for her as much as she longed for him was out of the question. But she wondered if Yami would harshly reject her, or would shrug it off as if such event had never taken place or what exactly he would do. To her, however, it was way too obvious things between the two of them would be forever altered: everything would become awkward, to say the least. It hurt her pride as well the possibility he would brag about turning her down, but she wasn't sure such behavior was part of his character. Or if it wasn't. Things were bad enough as they were –her internal conflict about how she felt about him- but trying to figure out his feelings for her only made it worse.

It was only when a sudden cigar stench registered in her nostrils that she blinked a few times before realizing she had completely zoned out. For how long, she couldn't tell and she didn't have long to wonder as her heart skipped a heartbeat when she realized the man that had been messing around with her thoughts was standing next to her, having just lit a cigarette and staring at her.

"Why so serious, spiny prickly queen? Something´s bothering you?"

But she was quick to react and counterattack his teasing.

"Did you get so bored you came all the way over just to ask such dumb question?"

He sighed, half in annoyance, half in amusement, and took a puff at his cigarette.

"Ever the sharp tongue, I see. Whatever is going on in through that sulky skull of yours seems to put you in a real bad mood. It´s not like you are not always this tactless, but today is especially bad"

_Oh, the irony_, she thought. _Right here, in the flesh_. Bad mood, as her current state of feeling, was an understatement. But it worried her he had noticed, because, if the reckless man had picked up on, it meant her turmoil was showing for everyone to see.

"And you could tell just by a mere question?", she asked, waiting for details that could help her realize how transparent she was, "I can´t decide whether to be impressed at the possibility of you having some brains or to be insulted at you for considering something would put me in a bad mood"

"You see, no one would even dare try to guess what´s behind that ice mask of yours but I couldn't help but wonder why the Blue Rose captain, ever the closest to her subordinates, would not give even the slightest answer to her shenanigans for a whole awful long amount of time. They have been complaining far too much about someone who normally is not nice at all. So I figured you were not your normal self around them".

"How very kind of you to notice", she answered, trying to hide the uneasiness in her demeanor, "but I hate to say you´ve got it all wrong"

"Your subordinates would prove otherwise"

"What exactly do you want, Yami? If you are so sure about my bad mood, even the dumbest fellow would realize coming to pester me is not a smart move"

"Didn't I told you before? That you could rely on others sometimes? Will you let me in on whatever is going on?"

She thought what a great joke it would be and how it would throw him off balance to bluntly tell him straight to his face she loved him. For a second, she thought he would freak out and, more hilarious to her, he would be so caught off guard he would find himself at a total loss of words. Yami Sukehiro, of all people, at a loss of words. _But joke´s on you, Charlotte. This is no joke to you. _For a split second, she realized she had the chance to get the answer to all her questions. But the consequences of whatever it came out to held her back. It was no place to confess her feelings, surrounded by so many people, people whose reaction she so much wanted to avoid.

"I can tell you´re a struggling", he said only for her to realize she hadn't given an answer and therefore had confirmed his suspicions, "and I wonder why your subordinates haven't picked up on it. Is there really no one you trust enough to confide in?"

"No one can help", she conceded, if only for him to leave her alone and she also noticed the harshness in her voice, "This is something I have to do solely on my own. Now, would that be enough for you to stop pestering?"

"Is it about your curse? I too have been wondering about it. I have many questions to ask about but it seems I can´t get through in your current state of mind"

_How persistent_. He was pushing too hard, asking the tough questions and she thought she would no longer be able to hide the way she was feeling. She felt confused, embarrassed and at the edge of a heart attack: he too had been paying attention. About her. His questions only made her uneasy and she wasn't sure she could keep up with her recollected and cold façade.

"It is, indeed. Though I don't know if I can blame it only on the curse itself". It was true, a half-truth at that but he didn't have to be aware of such fact.

"If that´s the case…"

"Yami", she said in defeat, "I really am sure this is neither the place nor the time to answer the questions you have. I´m still trying to figure it out myself. If you would be so kind as to postpone this discussion, I would think of you as a sensible man in spite of your reputation"

He took a long puff at his cigarette but never stopped staring at her. She decided he was making a decision and that he only half-believed her. A dumb brute he definitely was, but when it came to battle, he was quick to come to conclusions. Assertive conclusions. And their conversation had reached a dead end. He kept staring, as if trying to figure out a hidden meaning in her words and in her behavior. It took mere seconds before he answered again, but it felt like an agonizing eternity for her. And when he spoke, she thought that his intense gaze that never left hers was piercing through her soul.

"You are a tough woman but, when it comes to everything outside the battlefield, I am sure your greatest enemy, Charlotte, is no other than your own heart".

It was a low blow, she admitted. Specially because it was true. She couldn't help but cringe at the fact he had so easily made her realize what her internal struggle was about: it was her battle against her heart. He couldn't possibly suspect the cause of her internal battle, otherwise, he wouldn't be so heartless. He wasn't the most delicate human being, for sure, but he would never –she suspected- go around hurting people´s feelings on purpose. Yes, he would pester everyone around, in a rather mockingly but not hurtful way. For what she had been able to recollect, he was supportive –in his own way- to his subordinates. It was no wonder all of those misfits and shenanigans looked up to him as an older brother and adored him as if they were all related.

Charlotte decided it was time to leave: Yami had stopped talking but was still by her side. The smoke coming out of his cigarette only made her mind more clouded and the noise the youngest members of the squads were making didn't exactly help. It was so awkward, the atmosphere around them and she felt so self-conscious she was actually fighting tears back. She felt so frustrated, so helpless she was about to burst into tears and she couldn't help but scold herself at her own weakness. She was secretly forming a desperate resolution when he spoke with a motion to make clear his intent on leaving.

"I fail to understand why you wouldn't allow yourself to lean on someone else sometimes, but I guess that´s just the way you are. Or been brought up, I don't know. It´s never easy to tell when it comes to you, spiny prickly queen. But, if it´s any consolation, I promise that I will find a way to break that damn curse of yours. See ya around".

He lifted his hand as to wave her goodbye with his dead fish eyes. It was only then her desperate resolution could be executed and she gathered all the sudden high courage in her with the intention to give the truth away: but when she opened her mouth to speak, her tongue became so heavy she was only able to mumble a soft "You already have, Yami"

She had barely registered her own voice. The burden that suddenly lifted from her shoulders as her heart decided it was time to let go fell back down with heavier weight. _Why can´t I just be bold enough to tell him and act like it´s no big deal?_ She rolled her eyes in annoyance and defeat. But, surprisingly, Yami turned back and stared strangely at her.

"What did you say?"

"I didn´t utter a word", she stuttered

"I heard you quite right"

"Then why do you ask, numbskull?

"What do you mean, Charlotte? That I already have?"

She sighed, in defeat. Staring into his daring grey eyes, she forgot everything about décor, people´s opinions and what it might come out of it. She decided she didn't care anymore. All the distress, despair and torment such situation had caused her for so long came rushing out and she felt herself go numb, heartless. She was absolutely sure she would turn her down, but somehow she became stone hard and didn't mind. She would probably regret it later; in the heat of the movement she couldn't care any less, though. Raised as a noblewoman, she stood tall, magnanimous, queenly and uncorrupted and stared fiercely at him, still waiting for an answer. Yami was not the kind of man who would let himself be intimidated by the naughty looks nobility would give over their shoulders and Charlotte was not willing to let cowardice in and she wasn't in the mood to be intimidated either. By the look on his face, he didn't expect her change of behavior but was curious all the same.

"Would you mind if we moved to a quieter place?", she said harshly, furrowing her brows.

He nodded and, without another word, she took long steps away from the building. Somehow, Charlotte felt mad with rage. And dread. And disappointment. And... and… it was such wave and turmoil of feelings she found herself shaking while wiping some rebellious tears away. But she kept walking, long-striding her way out of the building to somewhere she could pour her heart out. It was only until an annoyed Yami called her out asking if she planned to cross the border to another kingdom when she realized how far they had gone into. She didn't stop, only slowed down for him to reach a shorter distance from her. It gave her plenty of time to think and to calm down a little. In a split second, her desperate resolution flared up and she decided the course of action to take.

He was only some feet away, with the Blue Rose captain still out of his reach, when she stopped and, with a single motion, turned around to face him. Then, she spoke.

"I love you"

He stopped dead in his tracks and stared at her in awe. He was so caught off his guard the look in his face was indescribable. Had she been not so mad, she would have laughed her voice off just by looking at his astonishment. Just as she suspected, Yami was at a total loss of words. For him not to have a quick reaction… he was completely stunned. She wondered what his thoughts were: maybe he was thinking he had misheard, maybe he thought it was a joke, maybe he didn't want to acknowledge what she had said… But she didn't care. She intended to get it over with, so she continued before he could utter a single word and, more importantly, before she lost her courage.

"To have my heart stolen by a man, it was the way out of the curse. I myself don't know much about it and it is still not totally gone, though it was controlled _that_ day. Back then, you showed up first, Yami and… You are not that dense, are you? You put two and two together? It´s been so long it´s barely logical to say this just now, but I never found the words. I´m not really sure if I stop loving you my powers will get out of control again, but, to some extent, you were the one who broke through the curse and saved me. And stole my heart away"

It felt good to finally let it out. Charlotte sighed in relief and let herself feel free for the first time in ages. However, it was only for a heartbeat because she realized he was there, unmoving and staring at her. It reminded her of the time he cut through her briars and scolded at her, about ten years before. It made her feel helpless and so out of control all her insecurities came rushing in again. She thought about running away until she became aware of how much her legs were shaking. _Please, say something. _It wasn't very long, she assumed, but it felt like an eternity to endure his silent blinking.

"Am I listening to a confession, spiny prickly queen?" was his only answer, as he lit a cigarette and took some steps closer. He seemed recollected and unbothered. She didn't know what to make out of it. All the blood rushed out to her face and she found herself unable to look at him.

"You know, Charlotte, this is so unlike you, though I confess I´m honored about your feelings. You must be aware, though, that we would never work out. You are the most tactless, awkward, stubborn woman I´ve ever met, the most uptight and sulkiest human being I´ve ever crossed paths with and you know I´m the kind of outgoing, reckless guy who doesn't really give a fuck about anything. It just would never do"

_Serves me right_, Charlotte thought while still not looking at him. He was being especially harsh and, though still numb, she couldn't help but feel hurt and her eyes started welling up. But she didn't want him to see her cry; it was humiliation enough to give in into him and certainly she wasn't disposed to make herself look any weaker. She listened to him with all the cool temple she could muster, though she still she wasn't confident enough about her own emotional strength. She was so lost in self-pity she didn't acknowledge his approach and closeness until he gently grabbed her hand and caressed her knuckles softly with his thumb

"But", he kept on while staring at her with a small yet blissful smile plastered in his face, "I have the highest respect and admiration for you. We are both rough around the edges and I like you; we like each other. I can´t promise it´ll be easy, though I believe we should stick around and enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts"

Charlotte´s eyes went wide with surprise. Never had she ever conceived any single hope of Yami, _the_ uncouth Yami Sukehiro, to pronounce such words. She looked up to him and the same blissful smile in his face crept up in her own. She felt relieved and all the distress she had felt for so long had vanished. Things had turned our just fine and she thought that, maybe, it all might have been prevented had she been sincere sooner. Now, other people´s opinions were totally unimportant to her. She had several questions to ask him about his feelings, but somehow she felt he didn't have much talent for words in him and she suspected he would rather do than talk. She was much the same, and though her heart was tingling and she still felt rather bashful, Charlotte didn't know what the next step to take was. It had been way _too_ easy as she hadn't forgotten he was much not a complex man. It all seemed so awkward and she felt so little standing so close to that tall man. Yami probably noticed her hesitation, so he took hold of her hand and, with their fingers entwined, he made the motion to walk back. Instead, they kept pacing around, hand in hand, without saying a word. It was perfect just the way it was and she, perhaps both of them, feared speaking would break the spell. That night, they didn't make it back to the Clover Castle and spent the night holding hands or embracing each other. Without a word. A long conversation they had ahead, indeed, but she was no longer fearful but rather hopeful. She looked after finding out what future laid ahead for both of them and how long they would enjoy the ride together.

As months passed by with only few of her subordinates knowing about the tumultuous yet exciting relationship the two of them had built, Charlotte thought there was nothing to regret, except hesitating so long. They still had several situations to endure together, beginning with his subordinates finding out about their escapades and why both squads would occasionally work together, considering their captains were always at each other´s throats in a playful manner only the Black Bulls didn't seem to understand as what it was: lovers banter. They both were exceedingly good at concealing their feelings to others, but when alone and behind closed doors… it was another story. After Yami´s subordinates finding out, the Magic Squads would be next. It would be a big deal, certainly, though she was no longer afraid. She actually thought it would be funny to see the other captains´ reactions: they would most likely shrug it off as a bad taste joke. Even so, they still wanted to keep their relationship for them both alone. There was also her family to take into consideration: not only had she thrown herself into the arms -as they would put it- of a mere commoner, but also she had given into a reckless foreigner that would only mean a disgrace for a noblewoman like her. It seemed it was the greatest task to overcome, but it seemed so far away from the slow yet peaceful rhythm of their relationship, she didn't worry about what it would come out of it. Both of them were particularly careful with their privacy and she had learned there was a soft and vulnerable side to him he would only show to her. It was much the same in her case. They were so alike yet so permanently different she wondered how they managed to fit together. He hadn't changed in the least and his behavior still left much to be desired, but she had learned to enjoy and laugh at it because she decided it was one of the things about him she loved the most. Sometimes, she would surprise herself tagging along with his obnoxious being and she would also catch glimpses of him trying to take matters in his hands a little more seriously. It was rather cute, she admitted, seeing a big man like Yami at least try to be romantic, though most of the times he showed he hadn't really grasped the concept. Still, she preferred the wild, tough vibe of him, the version he would display to everyone else and the one nobody seemed to have noticed a change in. There was a gentle and loving version in him only for her to see and there was an outgoing, less uptight version of her only he could see but, to everyone else, they were the reckless captain of the worst magic squad and the strong yet sulky captain who couldn't but repel each other.

And as she found herself wrapped around his loving arms with him caressing her cheek with a calloused hand, after a mission their squads had completed together, Charlotte decided it was the only place she never wanted to depart from. She didn't know if she was going to get her happily ever after, but their ride, so far, had filled her with so much joy she thought that, maybe, it would be a great idea not to ask him to give her heart back.


End file.
